July 3, 2014

July 3, 2014

“Raise Your Glass To His Long Life”

            -Natalie Merchant

I found out today that my guru died a couple of days ago.  Most people don’t have a guru.  I grew up on The Farm outside of Summertown, Tennessee.  The Farm was a commune until 1983 when it experienced “the changeover” and stopped holding money in common.  Since then they have considered themselves an “intentional community.”

I don’t want to overload you on Farm history; that isn’t what this blog is about.  It is about my mental and emotional experiences though.  It is strange to have my guru die.  I knew he has been sick and have thought about what my experience of his death would be.  I am feeling grief today; I wasn’t sure if I would.  I find that many of us think of grief as something we feel when a close friend or relative die, but this isn’t the only type of grief we feel.

I am experiencing grief at the death of Stephen Gaskin.  We were not ever personally close.  It’s the grief we feel when someone who is an important cultural icon to us dies.  In the articles I have read about his death. I find it very strange to hear Stephen Gaskin referred to as Mr. Gaskin.  We never used those titles on The Farm.  

Good-bye Stephen.

Stephen’s death got me thinking about other forms of grief.  Right now I’m feeling grief about changes in my relationships with my parents.  I’ve had to ask them to give me some space.  My parents are good people, they just have a lot of mental health issues, many of which they can’t see in themselves.  For me, they have been inadequate parents.  I find my own anxiety and depression cycling with theirs.  Anyone who has experienced following a loved one into depression and back up out of it knows how painful this is.  From my experience in my own therapy and what I have learned on my journey towards becoming a mental health counselor, I need to regulate my own emotions.  What this means is that we are happier when we don’t let other people pull and tug on our emotions.  I’m trying to learn how to choose how I feel.

Right now I just can’t seem to disconnect my feelings from those of my parents.  And the truth is, my parents can be painfully disruptive to my mental health.  It affects my relationship with my husband, my kids, and basically anyone I come into contact with.

My grief about these changes in my relationship with my parents comes from losing the belief that someday they may be able to parent me in they way I have needed and continue to need.

You know what my therapist told me?  “Parent yourself, if your parents are unable to do it, you’d better become your own mother and father.”  I think this applies really well to all relationships.  We are the only ones who can give ourselves what we need.  This may be true, but it is also sad, hence the grief.

Today, I am grieving.  I know it is healthy to grieve.  I also know that for me and many people this is one of the hardest emotions to feel.  I usually switch it out for anxiety.  We are often very scared to experience grief, but grief fades a lot quicker than anxiety.  For me, it feels healthier as well.

Love,

Ann